10 April, 2011

Waffling, Rambling, Stream-of-Conscious Zombie Talk

Been doin' a lot of thinking lately. Not a lot of doin', though.

My mind's been in such a bad state lately, that I decided to re-do my Vision Board. I figured it would help me focus, and remind me why I go through the things I go through.

Here 'tis:


[caption id="attachment_389" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Vision Board: 2011"][/caption]

It's divided into categories, like my last one. Those categories are: Career; A Few People I Want to Work With; Family & Friends; Who I Am/My Spirit; Causes; Leisure/Personal.

It did help. Let's hope I can now act on my dreams again, instead of falling back into my Cave.

As Anatole France said, "To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."  And, "It is by acts and not ideas that people live."  I've got the dreaming down pat, that's for sure! I've lived in my own little world for as long as I can remember. It used to help me cope with the "real world," but now it just makes it harder and harder to actually live in the real world. It's depressing to wake up and see what my life is actually like, instead of what I fantasize my life to be.

I'm still in Denver. I'm neither in LA nor the British Isles.

I have 4 Survival Jobs just to make ends meet. Believe me, if I could have just one, I would. In a heartbeat. I'm exhausted, strained, miserable, and bitchy. But I still have to find time to write, audition, network, keep up with what's being cast and who's casting it, be sociable with friends and family, do the chores, spend time with the hubby, take care of the dog, etc. And I'm the type of person who wears a mask. Yeah...that smile you see on my face ALL THE TIME? It's not real. Well, not always, anyway. I just feel that people expect me to be the happy, strong one. I've been doing that since I was a teenager, and therefore, I have no clue how to deal with my anger, depression, anxiety, and frustration. I'm working on it--I've got a great therapist! She always gets on me for saying what I really feel, but with a smile on my face and in a peppy voice. But that's a step in the right direction--I'm actually voicing my frustration!

So let me voice some frustrations now.

I am an Air Force Brat. I am from Everywhere and No Where. I have officially been in this state for 6.25 years, and that's not only the longest I've lived anywhere in my entire life, it's also about 3.5 years TOO long. I've been trying to move for about 4 years now, but I can't. I'm here because I have to be. My husband currently makes the most money, and though we've discussed living in separate states or countries, I can't do that, because I can't afford it.

It's not that I don't like Denver or Colorado. I get the Moving Bug every couple of years...AND this is never where I pictured myself settling down. And now that I've been here 6 years, I know this isn't where I want to settle down. (Sorry, but the dry weather and altitude are torture for me...my skin, hair, lungs, and allergies. Give me a cloudy day and rain at sea level!)

I make the most of the industry where I live, whether it's in Belgium or Texas. I want to see the places where I live succeed. I want good things to happen to Denver. I want more films to come our way. I want money for our industry HERE! And I do what I can to help that along, however small my contributions.

But I'm not staying. As soon as I am able to, I'm outta here. My husband's folks have settled here, so it's not like I'd never come back. My folks are currently living here, but I don't see that lasting more than 5 years--they're like me!

I. Do. Not. Get. Work. In. This. Town.   I. Do. Not. Get. Cast. I will rarely work for free anymore, and that's what's being offered to me.  I don't need credits to build up my resume. I'm obviously not the type they look for here. I've seen who gets cast in the roles I audition for (mostly commercials), and they tend to cast a Mom-type with less personality. I'm aware that I have a big-ish personality, even when I'm just standing there. It's not what's wanted here, and that's fine. Sure, it's incredibly frustrating and sometimes I just want to give up.

But I can't. This career is something I've been working on, slowly and steadily, since I was 12. It's the only thing I've wanted, and I can't give that up. I'd regret it, and would probably spend the rest of my days as a hollow shell. This is what I live for, this is what I breathe.

I finally decided that if I want to work, I have to create it myself. I first tried with MILE HIGH LACI, which is now, finally, in post. This could be a whole other blog about why it took so long and why I'm maybe not so thrilled to be working with Denver talent anymore. (I would never write that blog, though. You'll just have to wait for my memoirs, That's What She Said by Christa Cannon.)

I've moved on to my first short film, WILD GEESE. It will be shot in Ireland. The talent (aside from me) will come from overseas (hopefully Scotland & Ireland, if I get the folks I want). The director is a London-based Aussie. But I have Denver to thank for that--I met Tom at the Denver Film Fest and we really hit it off. He does amazing work, and I was so in love with his film. I took a shot and asked him to direct mine, and to my pleasure and surprise, he accepted. My own sensibilities are much more in line with what's being shot in the British Isles, and if I can create this first step to getting over there, maybe I won't need to come back right away. :)  (Here's hoping!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I have a lot to learn, in all aspects of my chosen field--acting, singing, writing. I've also decided that I'm going to learn more post-production stuffs this year, and to shoot my own (experimental, unscripted) film (not the above-mentioned short). I'm going to get better at editing...not perfect, but have a better grasp of it than the minimal basics I know now. I love hearing what others have to say, learning from what they've done and seen. I hope to continue learning until the day I die. I don't expect praise for everything I do...but it would be nice to be noticed.

It would be even better to get paid. Decently.

I'm not able to go to as many screenings or events as I'd like to. What keeps me from attending those events is money. It keeps me from classes, trendy clothes for auditions, concerts, live theatre, after-parties, etc. If it says "free," I'm usually there, unless I'm exhausted and can't be around people. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I is po'. My new clothes come from hand-me-downs every couple of years. Do you have any idea how much that hurts my pride? Knowing that if I'm going to have anything new or fashionable, I have to wait a few years for someone else to throw the damn thing out? Money is a BIG issue for me. So is time. So is exhausting myself to the point of being a zombie, which I feel like 24-7.

I sleep horribly through the night. I was diagnosed with slight ADD about a year ago, thank God. I say "thank God," because now I'm on Adderall. For the first time in 20 years, I can stay awake through the day without needing a nap to get me through. But that still doesn't help me sleep at night. And that's another story...one I'm too frustrated to get into right now. I have to figure out what to do for dinner, anyway.

SO. When you ask me how I'm doing, I will always--ALWAYS--put a gigantic smile on my face and say, "I'm great! How are you?"

You now know that I am lying through my teeth. But you'll never get another answer.

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