21 July, 2010

The Cave

Okay, I realize this is a blog about my career/calling and not a personal blog. But sometimes--often, actually--the two collide. So I'll be delving into more personal territory with this entry...I'd debated not doing it--keeping it "professional," but some of what I'm going through, others are, as well. And it helps so much sometimes, knowing that somebody else is going through it, too. So if it helps anyone out there, then I guess I've done my job.

The title of my blog is for a couple different reasons--it's kind of where I feel I've been, and still am...and it's the title of a song I love by Mumford & Sons.

The Cave, Mumford & Sons

"I know my call despite my faults, and despite my growing fears. But I will hold on hope, and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck. And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways. I'll know my name as it's called again."

Yes, I've been in My Cave  and I've been feeling that noose around my neck.

I've been dealing with a  lot of stuff in my life over the past couple of months...it's a lot for me in a normal frame of mind, but because of some of it, I've also been tossed into an emotional sea of anxiety & depression--both of which I suffer from. It's one of those lovely genetic traits (like flappy triceps ) passed down through generations. Thanks, Ancestors!  'ppreciate it!

(Disclaimer: That picture is not me!)

Anyway, my point being I've been dealing with a lot of stuff and fighting depression on top of it all. So it hasn't been a fun couple o' months. That's part of the reason I haven't been updating my blog very often. I'm constantly exhausted, I'm stressed, I get headaches that make me nauseous, and all I want to do is veg in front of the telly, getting lost in TV shows and movies. (Not helping that tricep situation, but I just bought that new Shake-Weight thing--yes, I did, don't laugh!--and it actually works!)

There is so very little work here in Denver, which is why I've created my own webseries. Ubnfortunately, we've been in pre-production since December and won't start filming for another month, so that's not helping the "no work" situation, as far as being in front of the camera. And I'm well aware that as long as I live here, it's going to stay the same.

If I could pick up and move to LA tomorrow, I would. And who knows? Maybe I will. I know I should, at any rate. Starting next Wednesday, I am officially unemployed...so while I'm looking for new Survival Jobs (desperately needed--I don't know how some families are managing without both parents working),  I might as well search in LA, right?

Except 1) I can't afford it and 2) my husband wouldn't move with me right now. Probably not for another year, at the very least (and that's an optimistic estimate). So do I choose between my career and my husband?

What the hell?!

There's so much that I want to do, so much that I feel I'm meant to do. And I'm not doing a goddamn bit of it. Instead, I'm having to focus most of my time and energy on job hunting...and oh, great, I may have just shot myself in the foot on that one. Employers look online and it's not like this blog is private!

An Actor's Struggle

So I've let myself acknowledge, lately, the hidden defeatist feelings I usually keep at bay. Sometimes, the Naysayers and Negative Nancys I run from are inside me, and it's hard to run away from yourself. I know that from experience.

As an actress, I'm very much aware of  my shelf life. Each passing year just brings me that much closer to my expiration date--the time when no casting director is willing to hire you anymore, no director willing to take a risk on your unknown name...where nothing but Community Theatre and Student Films awaits you.

I'm not knocking either of those--I've had wonderful experiences with both, and they've enabled me to add to my knowledge. But they're no longer in my "tier." I've done what some people call "Tier Jumping," and unless I'm in a very large market-- like LA, New York, London, Toronto, or Vancouver--I won't be taking two steps back.

Which is why I'm stuck.

In My Cave.

I have to get going--I'll write another blog soon... :)

Meantime, I'll try not to do sadness.

"Cause you know, I don't do sadness...not even a little bit. Just don't need it in my life, don't want any part of it."